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DRUM
CHAT WITH CAVEMAN DAVE O’BRIEN
Hello
and welcome to “Drum chat”, a page for advice and
information on all percussion matters. This time I would like to
focus on cymbals and the various size options available. During
a recent German tour I noticed that the cymbals used by our
German support band were marked in metric as well as imperial
measurements and I pondered to myself that we in England do not
have this luxury and are forced to buy our metal and, for that
matter our shells and skins in imperial sizes only. I mean, for
fucks fucking sake why the hell do we have to live in the past,
struggling with antiquated bullshit when almost every other
country in the world has adopted the metric system fucking years
ago? Any cunt can tell you that 375mm plus 690mm is 1064mm,
it’s children’s mathematics. Let’s try the same sum in
imperial:
One
foot two and three quarter inches plus two feet three and five
eighths inches. First we add the feet then the inches separately
then we have to add the fractions by working out the common
denominator………FUCK THE COMMON DENOMINATOR!!! I
mean, for fuck’s sake just measure the bloody thing in metric,
if you can count to ten you can do it.
The
idea behind the metric system was first suggested by John
Wilkins (1614-1672), an ENGLISHMAN who realised that we needed a
simple and universal system based in tens. THE METRIC SYSTEM IS
A BRITISH INVENTION. Wilkins, founder of the Royal society,
presented his ideas in 1668 and was basically told by the
British establishment to stick it up his arsehole. It’s enough
to make you want to kill. I know what you’re thinking as you
read this and you’re correct… it’s exactly like religion!
If you show a creationist the hard evidence of the fossil record
they will tell you it’s all bollocks, if you explain to a
Christian or a Muslim or any other religious fucking nutcase
the sound physics of the big bang theory they will still
insist that “god” just fucking made the universe in his
spare fucking time. Give these cunts (imperial measurers or
religious types) a decent, well thought out scientific system
and they will still cling to whatever mumbo jumbo from the past
that they refuse to let go of. The rest of us then have to
suffer their fucking church schools and fucking yardsticks. If
that non-existent cunt “god” had a tape measure it would be
marked out in feet and fucking inches. The bastard. People like
John Wilkins and Charles Darwin must have spent their entire
careers banging their heads against a brick wall while the thick
bastards they were trying to help just refused to accept their
ideas.
I
know what it is to have people refuse to accept my career ideas
through similar bitter experience. Told by my school teachers
that I was just a hopeless clown I decided to become a
children’s entertainer and started trying to think of an alias
under which to perform. Coco the clown was already taken but I
could only come up with “Terry the Clown” which sounded
lame. Then I realised that children enjoy being tickled but
“Terry Tickles” was a bit of a mouthful so I decided to call
myself Tez. At my first professional engagement I announced to
the eager children that my name was Teztickles and was surprised
to find myself brutally assaulted by an angry father. I will
never know what got him so enraged. That put me off clowning so
I decided to become a DJ. These DJ types all have cool names
like DJ Shadow and Fat Boy Slim so I started thinking of
a new moniker. I liked the name Ray and, at the time, I was
drinking heavily so I took my first booking as DJ Ray Pissed.
Imagine my horror when, arriving with my records at the venue, I
found it to be a disused factory and when I went inside I was
confronted by a gang of men with baseball bats who proceeded to
beat me to within an inch of my life. I just can’t understand
the human psyche sometimes. A further period of hospital
treatment resulted when I set myself up as a dance MC during
which brief period I called myself Kid D Fiddler.
Tez
Tickles after his only performance
I
must admit that all these failures filled me with despair and I
spiralled into a state of depression. This, of course, made me
want to chop my knob off so, to begin the process of gender
reassignment I began a course of hormone tablets. This went well
and, within a few months I had grown a hefty pair of breasts but
my life still lacked direction. I became a naturist and spent
months at nudist camps where my male/female body was not laughed
at but still longed for a purpose in life. I developed an
interest in charity work and then ornithology and decided to
combine the two and this led me to adopt a cockerel which had
been cruelly treated. The cockerel had been rescued from a cock
fighting club and he was a very big bird indeed and also very
tough, considered to be the hardest bird in the game. I was sure
that with kind treatment I could bring out his good side and it
certainly worked. A clutch of baby blue tits were orphaned in my
garden when an evil cat killed their parents and so I took them
in to raise them myself only to discover that my cockerel made a
great surrogate parent.
Suddenly
it hit me; I could combine all my interests in a totally
original music hall act… I would send the birds on the stage
first and then come on naked behind them before bursting into
song as they flew about - this time I could not fail. The night
of my first show, “Nude Musical Ornithology”, came around
and I was very excited, imagine the spectacle as I ran onto the
stage naked, my tits and big hard cock flapping around in front
of me. Much to my shock, however the audience walked out before
I could sing a note. I was devastated.
I
briefly considered setting myself up as a celebrity antiques
expert called David Dickinson but I realised that the name could
make me look like some sort of pervert (dick in son). I wasn’t
going to be caught out that easily. And so I ended up joining
Peter and the Test Tube Babies where the real humiliation was to
begin.
Right,
that’s cymbals dealt with, bear this article in mind when you
next venture into your local music shop. More informative
percussion talk next time in DRUM CHAT. Cheers, Caveman Dave.
NEWS
SLASH
Last
Updated February 2009
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